3 Month Old Baby

So. My baby is 3 months old now. There’s a lot of things that I felt and thought immediately after the birth of my daughter. I wasn’t sure how to share those feelings though or even if I should. The last thing I needed at that point in time was to be judged. Then again, I might have gotten support from an unlikely source if I had just reached out for it. Either way it’s a moot point because my baby girl turned 3 months old on the 12th.

My little puddin’ showed up fashionably late, almost 5 hours after her due date. 😉 She weighed 9 pounds 3 ounces and she nurses magnificently. Her labor was relatively easy but I don’t know if that’s because it was actually easy or because I didn’t go in until the very end so no one was able to tell me how hard it was. Either way the back labor was most certainly worse than the contractions.

The past 3 months haven’t been as…..pleasant as I’d always dreamed them to be. This comes from a mix of actual reality, stepparenting shenanigans and depression dalliances. But either way you slice it, we made it, we’re here and we’re just making it work.

She cracks me the hell up. Seriously my baby is the funniest person I know. My husband comes home soon and I’m going to have to share her with him. I should be excited about that but honestly I’m not quite ready for that. I like holding all the cards and making all of the decisions. (Not that I’m not keeping him in mind but…he’s not actually here to voice a disagreement if he were to have one.)

Bye Bye Daddy

So Mr. G left this week. They came home earlier than expected in December with the knowledge they were going to have to go back out about a month before they were originally scheduled to be home. So. That happened. And he was told he’d be able to stay back and be here for the birth and then the big boys over his boss’s head told him no. So he left with everyone else this week.

I think he took it harder than I did. I think part of me was waiting for it to fall through the entire time somewhere in the back of my mind. Don’t get me wrong I planned like he was gonna stay but I wasn’t surprised when they said no either. It is what it is ya know? This is what our life is.

It’s the Internet folks

I have been diagnosed with mental illness in the past. I’m a stepmother. I’m a student looking to work in the professional world. Every single time I go online I have to think about before posting. Why? Because it’s the Internet. These words are here forever and no matter what someone could find a post and have an issue with it.

34 weeks

So I’m in the 34th week right now. It’s third trimester, it’s the end of the whole ordeal, it’s the home stretch. I went and toured the OB floor today with my mom and my husband. My birth plan needs some tweaking as far as wording goes but it’s done. The diaper bag came in the mail today. Shit’s really really. I’m heavy and full and ready to meet her. Of course I want her to come when she’s ready but I’m impatient.

Raise Your Own Damn Kids

So the creator of Girls went on this tangent about how Rihanna is breaking her heart by getting back with Chris Brown (allegedly but I don’t think they confirmed that shit).

I haven’t seen Girls. I’ll put that out there in case in matters.

Look. Seriously. Look. This is a PUBLIC figure. No one public figure’s hold over your child should be any tighter on your child than your own. Or someone close to you that you approve of who might have more in common with your kid. Honestly though, someone you’ve never met and will probably never meet should not hold that much influence over your kid.

Y’all remember Jenelle from Teen Mom 2 wailing and lamenting about Ke$ha? No?

Don’t let that be your fucking kid dude! Don’t. Do. It.

46 Days and I’m Not Sure What I’m Doing

So. Yeah. That’s how I feel. This is all sorts of fucked up and not for me and I’m not sure what I’ve gotten myself into. I dunno. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed. That’s probably a large part of it.

Doula Wars

So yesterday I met with a potential doula. It didn’t go as I expected it to go. I’m not sure why I’m surprised because nothing rarely even does go the way I intend.

One of the reasons we went with her is that her husband is involved in her practice and I thought that would be great for Mr. G. She was kinda…I dunno what the word is. Aggressive, gimmicky, pushy? …Maybe I DO know what the word is. She’s passionate and that’s a great thing she just came on really strong. And I have an idea of what I want so being pushed to do things I’m not comfortable with because “well if you’re going to do this you might as well go all the way” doesn’t really work for me. Not to mention, don’t tell me you know what I want because we’re in some of the same groups on Facebook. That’s such a weird assumption to make ya know?

So we have another interview later this week. Only issue is the first we interviewed is definitely the better value. Although given where she lives maybe not. What she offers for her fee though is extensive BUT it likely comes with more than I want to deal with if our meeting last night is any indication. Like I don’t want all of these special products I just want to have a baby. That’s it.

Another thing I’m realizing is that the birthing community here is smaller than I thought so..have to be super careful of what I say to whom. Eep.

I Can’t Do This

So.

I’m 32 weeks on Monday. I also have an appointment on Monday.

I can’t go. I also can’t give birth at a hospital. I just…I don’t trust them enough. I’m too scared of being pushed over or violated and I feel like I can’t speak up because of my past history with mental health. I feel trapped and cornered and ridiculously unhappy. This is my first baby. And I’m having a princess. I should be over the moon and instead I’m just devastated and SO worried. I can’t relax. I think if I had had a better relationship with the providers that I’ve dealt with it would be better.

I’m making progress with my craft business and some (although a lot less than I’d like) with my Scentsy business. Maybe I can raise a part of the money between these two ventures and beg my family for the rest.

I don’t know what this revelation means for my marriage. I just know that I owe it to my daughter to take care of myself so that I can take care of her.

60 some odd days left

…and nothing is getting done. No one seems concerned and moving is hard for me so my abilities are limited; especially when considering everything else I have to do because my mom is still out of commission.

 

Sigh.

Monkeys and Watermelon

So sometimes I don’t ask the questions I want the answers to. Which is horrible of me because how can I get fulfillment if I don’t ask? How will I know? I’ll just be left wondering forever. No bueno.

So I was talking to a friend the other day and both her kids are interracial. I brought up the fact that I wasn’t sure about buying Bambina outfits with monkeys or watermelon slices on them. She gave me that look (you know the one you give your friends when they’re being nuts) and said put my kid in whatever. It made me examine not only why I felt like that but why I chose to share that with her in particular because I know that sounds crazy which is why up until this point I’d only shared this with my momma. I don’t know anything about being interracial. I know my relationship with my husband has been challenged because we’re interracial and I know my baby is likely to be challenged in some situations but I don’t know what it’s like. I just know it’s very likely coming. And I realized that’s what was bothering me. I love her SO much already. Like…little Bambina is SO important to me. I don’t want her feeling hurt ever. I don’t want her to ever be disappointed. (I know this is unreasonable.) I just want to make sure I have the tools to help her be safe and happy.