Go job hunting.
Go job hunting.
There’s no other words for what today was.
I woke up uncomfortable. Couldn’t rest, couldn’t get comfortable. Felt uneasy and uncomfortable in my skin. Extremely worried. Tried to eat and calm down. Felt calm but it didn’t last, my dad got up asking 50 million different things when he was rude as hell yesterday. I was supposed to make phone calls and I was just so agitated I couldn’t stay on the phone long enough to make them.
It upset my stomach to the point where I threw up. I hurt all over. I feel anxious and alone. I just want my husband and of course I can’t have him.
Today just sucked.
So I had an appointment with psychology Monday. I feel great about it. There’s a ton more resources here vs our last duty station. I actually feel like my insurance is working for me and that I have access to the care I’m afforded. I feel hopeful about it. With the addition of pregnancy I just have a lot on my plate. I’m hoping that having an impartial sounding board will kind of help me manage things.
I’m viewing it as a win and not a loss or a step back.
So we’ve been dealing with all of this stuff with M and getting custody of him. Mr. G’s command won’t give him leave unless he has a court hearing to attend so it’s been stressful but it’s been what it is. The past couple of times we went to see M/go to court, we were supposed to be driving Mr. G’s car but we can’t because the state of Minnesota keeps getting his orders and not realizing what they are. So they’ve chucked them. When you add up the express postage to and from MN TWICE we could have just paid full price for the damn tags already. Especially when you add up the rental fees from having to rent a car to get to M because my car can’t make the trip.
We’re also PCSing. Packout is June 20th. We’ve gotten some stuff to work on the yard but we still need to replace a door, handle the coat hanger in the drain sitch, and patch up some plaster from where the house has settled (it was buillt in the 1960s). That’s all prep that has to be done before we rent it out. There’s still cleaning and sorting that has to be done, including the scanning of all of our documents because we’ve lived together for 5 years and never had a real filing system. I mentioned my car earlier well I need to replace an O2 sensor in it and do something about the oil. We have to go get M June 6th and take him back July 10th. (We still need to contact the court about scheduling a hearing before Mr. G leaves to set up M’s care in the event that something happens with his grandfather.) There’s all of this money that has to come from somewhere. Even with our tax return (where we claimed neither of the children btw) and me getting school money we’re still in need of substantial funds to get all of this done. (Although we’ve gotten a LOT done. Stuff to get the yard under control, parts for Mr. G’s car, bills, loans paid on so on and so forth.) We just…between not planning as well as we could have and then this court thing dragging out way longer than we were told to expect it’s a hard row to hoe.
Oh and we’re still not pregnant. And I know I should NOT care about that right now but I do. A lot. And I feel like maybe I’m not ovulating because I’m fat or maybe there’s too much scar tissue due to the abortion and I missed my chance and I just suck. And it makes me sad. Like miserable. But that’s such a small issue that I feel like sharing it would make me a jerk.
I’m just drowning. And I’m by myself. No matter how much of a good friend I am or how much I help others people are always busy when I need help and that’s just life. I’ve got me and myself and that’s it. When shit hits the fan and it gets harder you’re the only person you can count on. So right now I’m drowning. And without heartfelt texts or emails from friends, without handouts or assistance I’m gonna swim to the shore, get out and shake off the water and then keep trucking. But right this second? I’m drowning.