I Can’t Do This

So.

I’m 32 weeks on Monday. I also have an appointment on Monday.

I can’t go. I also can’t give birth at a hospital. I just…I don’t trust them enough. I’m too scared of being pushed over or violated and I feel like I can’t speak up because of my past history with mental health. I feel trapped and cornered and ridiculously unhappy. This is my first baby. And I’m having a princess. I should be over the moon and instead I’m just devastated and SO worried. I can’t relax. I think if I had had a better relationship with the providers that I’ve dealt with it would be better.

I’m making progress with my craft business and some (although a lot less than I’d like) with my Scentsy business. Maybe I can raise a part of the money between these two ventures and beg my family for the rest.

I don’t know what this revelation means for my marriage. I just know that I owe it to my daughter to take care of myself so that I can take care of her.

Monkeys and Watermelon

So sometimes I don’t ask the questions I want the answers to. Which is horrible of me because how can I get fulfillment if I don’t ask? How will I know? I’ll just be left wondering forever. No bueno.

So I was talking to a friend the other day and both her kids are interracial. I brought up the fact that I wasn’t sure about buying Bambina outfits with monkeys or watermelon slices on them. She gave me that look (you know the one you give your friends when they’re being nuts) and said put my kid in whatever. It made me examine not only why I felt like that but why I chose to share that with her in particular because I know that sounds crazy which is why up until this point I’d only shared this with my momma. I don’t know anything about being interracial. I know my relationship with my husband has been challenged because we’re interracial and I know my baby is likely to be challenged in some situations but I don’t know what it’s like. I just know it’s very likely coming. And I realized that’s what was bothering me. I love her SO much already. Like…little Bambina is SO important to me. I don’t want her feeling hurt ever. I don’t want her to ever be disappointed. (I know this is unreasonable.) I just want to make sure I have the tools to help her be safe and happy.

I haven’t written about it and I won’t

So. Everyone knows that Friday December 14, 2012 a great tragedy was committed in Newtown, Connecticut. We all know what happened. How many lives were lost. The names, the faces, we’re familiar.

I haven’t written about it. As someone who not only lives with mental illness but blogs about how it affects me and my family, you’d think I would. But I haven’t. And I won’t. It’s not a platform to gain followers or readers. There’s a lot of political chatter about it and that doesn’t really feel right either. Because at the end of the day SO very many hearts have been broken beyond repair.

At some point the families need to be able to grieve and process and move forward. There will be time for the politics later. Now? Now is the time to be sad and just reflect.

 

So I haven’t written about it. And I won’t.

I’m Now Employed

And guess what?

I’m still not happy.

Bambina is due in March. My oldest stepchild is graduating from middle school in June. My training starts Jan 2. I have to train 4 weeks and then work for 30 days before I can request time off. To spare you having to do the math that plops me right in front of my due date. So it seems like as soon as I can take time off I’m going to have to. I’m thinking at this point I’m going to take 2 weeks because I’m not sure how many paid days off I’ll have racked up at this point. THEN I’d like to take time off in June to go to the graduation. Mr. G and I were supposed to go but they changed his deployment schedule and so now he won’t be home. As horrible as I feel about saying this,  in the recent past, she has gotten the short end of the stick thanks to the court issues with the other stepchild. And she has been so gracious about it. I do NOT want to miss out on her graduation.

My heart is heavy and I should be so happy right now.

Today, I Won

I finished reading STori Telling today. It was needed. I rode a roller coaster today. First I found out my mom will be out of work longer than we thought because of the surgical schedule. Then I almost crashed the car due to a blood sugar crash. Then I got a job. (Seriously, a real one that pays well.) Then my father in law reached out and that was nice. Until his girlfriend ruined it. Once again he’s letting a woman run him and my husband is not here for it. My FIL should sit up and pay attention but he won’t. He’s disrespected my husband for the last time though.

Anyway, I read Tori Spelling’s book. Great writing just like Mommywood. I just….I feel a deeper sense of peace to reading it. I feel a calm I haven’t felt regarding birth. Her books are always such a great read because with the money and the fame and the infamy…she’s still human. It’s nice to see. Makes me feel hopeful you know?

Missing Mom and some Scentsy deals!!!

So my mom had knee surgery Wednesday. She originally had a knee replacement done in 2010. Things were all fine and good. This year she started having some pain in that knee and some wiggling feelings. Fast forward and it turns out infection got in there and so things shifted around and got loose. So she had to have the knee replacement removed and an antibiotic spacer installed. It’s not an actual knee joint it’s just a spacer. Keeps everything from fusing and puts antibiotics right at the source of the infection. After about 6-8 weeks, when they’re sure the infection is completely cleared up, they’ll put another knee replacement in. Right now she’s waiting on cultures to come back before she can leave the hospital. They were supposed to take 5 days to grow and they haven’t grown yet. I don’t know if this means that it’s a slow growing infection (which I think would mean it could be easier to kill off) or that there was no infection (so what caused the replacement hardware to start to fail?!?!) and no one really has any answers for me. So…that’s frustrating. The house is weird without her in it. Not to mention I can miss one of them (my mom and my husband) but then I need the other one to be where they’re supposed to be. It’s been rough. I’m trying to be optimistic and just relax in the fact that she’s coming home soon and so is he.

 

On a unrelated note, I’m a Scentsy consultant as I’m sure I’ve mentioned. Right now I’m running two specials. First off, I’ve got a party that qualifies for free shipping!!! Secondly I’m running a special. Buy $30 worth of product, any product and get a bar of your choice free. Not a scent I pick out for you anything of your choice. If Scentsy has it in stock you will get it. Email me at awickedrose@gmail.com for the link to the online catalog or to place an order!!!