That’s how I feel today. I just feel like I should be saying or doing something else. What that is though I have no idea. Dinner’s made. Some housework got done. I just feel like I’m at a loss. Nothing but loose ends.
Don’t tell anyone!!!
Oftentimes I observe friends going out and doing things and I think “Oh I would love to get out like that and do things like that”. In my mind I’d be the girl who went to lunch all the time, or the zoo, or to strip clubs, the movie, shopping, clubbing and all of that stuff. If I just had a little bit more money, or was thinner, or had nicer clothes blah blah blah.
But let’s be real. I LOVE LOVE LOVE a good couch. I like to cook almost as much as I like to eat out. I’m a super big fan of eating yummy foods from a great restaurant on my couch. And I love playing video games right here in my living room. My favorite club? My car. I will jam out all day every day.
Lots of people have exciting lives but I don’t think I’d have nearly as much fun living those lives as I do reading about them.
So I’m visiting with friends in CA right now. And they have three children. (I’m sure I’ve said this before but I’m not gonna assume that people are avidly reading everything I write.) The littlest is 7 months. Snuggling with him is better than any anti-depressant that I could possible go pick up at the pharmacy. Really and truly. My friend’s husband got home shortly before they moved and then I came to town like the day they moved into their house (I’m wrangling babies while they unpack stuff) so a couple of nights here and there the baby has been sleeping with me. I mean…come on. You’ve been on the boat forever and a day just to come back and have a baby in your bed? Nah. I gotta help my friends out. And so I offer and he occasionally sleeps with me. I mean of course they benefit from it because they get a stab at some couple time or just a chance to sleep. Deployments aren’t conducive to sleep and neither is raising three children on your own.
‘Truthfully though it’s for selfish reasons. Mr G and I will have been married for two years in August and we’ve been together for 3-4 years (we never officially dated we just kind of fell into a relationship) and we have no children of our own. Holding the baby, especially at night, just puts me in such a state. All of the arguing and the back and forth and the miscommunication, lack of communication just all of the pain and hurt doesn’t matter anymore. Because there is this baby. And he is soft and warm and he smells like milk, lavender and…..sweetness. I call the scent love. He’s snuggly. Round cheeks, chubby thighs and cute little dimpled hands that wrap themselves in my shirt or keep a visegrip on my finger. And for the next couple of hours until the sun rises he trusts me. He hunkers and trusts that he’ll be fed and warm with me. It’s nice not to just be needed but trusted as well.