So I may have neglected to mention that I’ve started to write again. I haven’t really written since the beginning of high school. I used to love to but then we moved and life sucked and my dad got sick and life sucked more and there’s always the monkey wrench to my equilibrium that is Mr. G…..anyway I’m writing again. Working on two stories although more are pushing at my brain. I’ve tried Nanowrimo a few different years to get the juices flowing but this feel different. I feel different. There’s no time constraint and so I want to write. It’s weird. Anyway I have a blog that I post updates and links to my stories when I upload them. Take a look I suppose.
Sometimes it’s hard to mesh the demands of working with the desires of homemaking. I know it’s so old-fashioned and it doesn’t seem like me at all but I really enjoy it. I like that I made the bread that we eat, and that most of our meals are from scratch. I love that I can impact my family’s day with small simple touches.
At the same time I like nice things. Really nice things. And I like having my own money. Its nice to have a sense of I have this to spend and I don’t like to struggle. I enjoy when things are easy.
Those two ideas don’t mesh well together. I have this idea for my life. Its this beautiful quilt that has all this intricate stitching….those are the people and interactions that I encounter. Then you have the fabric. Its rich and varied but it all flows together. Lately that’s not the case though. My edges are all puckered. I could cut back in places. That’s a totally valid solution to the internal conflict I feel. But at the end of the day I want it all. I want to make all of this craziness work.
I’m exhausted, I haven’t made my husband lunch in about 4 days, most of my clothes have holes in them but that doesn’t matter since most of them are dirty and I have no energy. But I have a job watching an adorable baby, we’ve made a debt in our debt so I’m working towards getting new clothes and my job is incredibly low stress. Things are on an upswing. Time management skills are definitely coming into play and getting improved.
I don’t think I’ll ever really resolve the struggle but I think I’ll be happy with the act of trying. Let me go work on this paper and get a loaf of bread started.
So the end of Mr. G and I’s 6 month separation is fast approaching. And…we’re difficult people. So sometimes I just need to vent or complain. And sometimes… Look I’m 22. I don’t know everything. I know nothing. I know less than nothing. And like…I’d love suggestions. Things that are helpful or conducive to me having a productive marriage. A happy marriage. Hell a marriage that actually is. And….I don’t get that. I know part of it is my fault because of the way I represent him to other people and I know in the future that’s something that I really want to work on. But how am I representing myself and my goal if no one ever comes back with the helpful advice I so desperately seek? Or hell even some encouraging words.
Not to mention…I don’t discuss the details with just anybody. How can my nearest and dearest not call me on my bullshit? I haven’t heard “You were wrong for that” or “That would make me mad too” from anybody. All I’ve heard is what he’s done wrong. And it makes me wonder..is it being said and I’m just not listening? Or maybe another message entirely is being given and I’m just not hearing it. (Actually that’s not entirely true…some have come straight out and said you should leave and I’ve chosen to ignore that. But who knows? Maybe I can’t see the forest for the trees on that one.)
Am I giving off “I want to stay married” vibes? If I am and my close circle isn’t getting them…is Mr. G missing them too? And how the fuck do I fix this?
I’ve been working on TCF and if I can stay on top of it; pictures will be up tomorrow of some items for sale as well as a few “these are custom things I’ve made for friends that I wouldn’t mind getting paid for” things. I really have to crack down on less gratis. I dunno I guess lately I’ve looked at it as I have a lot to be grateful for and I owe a lot of people so….I give with my hands. But…I’ve dreamed of this since January 2010. Mr. G is military, I could never use everything I’d like to make and put out…it just makes sense. But I keep letting small things distract me and I don’t want that anymore.
One thing that’s got me off my knitting game lately is the fact that I’m retaining water like a beast. All my clothing is tighter all over and then on top of that my feet and hands are swollen and they hurt. It hurts to walk and it hurts to hold anything. I’m trying to really crack down on my sodium levels and just drink and drink water and hopefully nip this in the bud. The pain is ridiculous and it’s holding me back.
While I have to take more breaks than I’d like I’m making good use of my time by working on my reading goals and I’ve updated that post so check it out here.
I care about so many different people. I love so many different people but I can’t be everything for everyone. And at this point I just want what I want for me. I want my independence and I want to make my own choices and I want what’s best for me.
I’ve been dealt a great disappointment today. I want to wallow in it but that wouldn’t get me anywhere so there’s no point in that. I just have to rethink things.