So. My baby is 3 months old now. There’s a lot of things that I felt and thought immediately after the birth of my daughter. I wasn’t sure how to share those feelings though or even if I should. The last thing I needed at that point in time was to be judged. Then again, I might have gotten support from an unlikely source if I had just reached out for it. Either way it’s a moot point because my baby girl turned 3 months old on the 12th.
My little puddin’ showed up fashionably late, almost 5 hours after her due date. 😉 She weighed 9 pounds 3 ounces and she nurses magnificently. Her labor was relatively easy but I don’t know if that’s because it was actually easy or because I didn’t go in until the very end so no one was able to tell me how hard it was. Either way the back labor was most certainly worse than the contractions.
The past 3 months haven’t been as…..pleasant as I’d always dreamed them to be. This comes from a mix of actual reality, stepparenting shenanigans and depression dalliances. But either way you slice it, we made it, we’re here and we’re just making it work.
She cracks me the hell up. Seriously my baby is the funniest person I know. My husband comes home soon and I’m going to have to share her with him. I should be excited about that but honestly I’m not quite ready for that. I like holding all the cards and making all of the decisions. (Not that I’m not keeping him in mind but…he’s not actually here to voice a disagreement if he were to have one.)
So Mr. G left this week. They came home earlier than expected in December with the knowledge they were going to have to go back out about a month before they were originally scheduled to be home. So. That happened. And he was told he’d be able to stay back and be here for the birth and then the big boys over his boss’s head told him no. So he left with everyone else this week.
I think he took it harder than I did. I think part of me was waiting for it to fall through the entire time somewhere in the back of my mind. Don’t get me wrong I planned like he was gonna stay but I wasn’t surprised when they said no either. It is what it is ya know? This is what our life is.
I got a video conference with Mr. G yesterday. I had to drive to base (30 minutes in rainy oh my fuck I can’t drive traffic) and then it was only 15 minutes.
It was a great 15 minutes. It was bittersweet as well.
I dunno why this is harder this time around. But it is.
So. We all know deployments are about waiting. Waiting for them to get home, waiting to hear from them, waiting for some news after a major event in the news. All sorts of waiting.
But there’s another kind they don’t tell you about. Now normally Mr. G is right up my ass. And if he’s not, he’s a phone call, Xbox message or text away. But he’s deployed so now it’s email. That he may or may not get. That he might not have the time to respond to. When you’re a girl like me who has most of her friends online….that’s a problem.
I’m excited to be pregnant. So stoked. When something happens I want to tweet, Facebook, Instagram. But I can’t do that. Because my ass is grass if social media finds out something about my baby before I do. So I’m learning to wait.
If there was ever a master exercise in patience this would be it. So much wit held in. And then I thought…how did society get to this point? Where it’s not the event that matters but how quickly you share it?
I’m not sure why. There’s nothing specific going on today or recently. I’ve just been really missing him the past few days.
Our relationship would strike most people as weird. Some might label it as codependent but honestly we’re just us. And it works. I miss him right now. I’m not even sure if he’d be doing anything specific but he’d be here and I could just hug him. And that would be amazing.
There’s no other words for what today was.
I woke up uncomfortable. Couldn’t rest, couldn’t get comfortable. Felt uneasy and uncomfortable in my skin. Extremely worried. Tried to eat and calm down. Felt calm but it didn’t last, my dad got up asking 50 million different things when he was rude as hell yesterday. I was supposed to make phone calls and I was just so agitated I couldn’t stay on the phone long enough to make them.
It upset my stomach to the point where I threw up. I hurt all over. I feel anxious and alone. I just want my husband and of course I can’t have him.
Today just sucked.
It’s going. This boat is not as together as the last one and that annoys me. As weird as it is (Mr. G is a full five years older than I am) I feel like I’ve given them a piece of me that’s extremely important to take care of and they’re mismanaging the care of it. He’s my snoogie damnit. I guess it annoys me that he’s expected to give so much of his life and time for…not the best pay and they can’t get food to the boat in a timely manner. (They dropped some of it in the ocean.) Or they lose mail. I just…it’s annoying. It’s not the biggest thing in the world I know, and it could be worse so spare me all of that. It’s just like…dude come on.
Today I’m preparing to bake him some goods. I’m hoping they get there in a decent amount of time but who can really know? I’ll post pictures! Maybe even engage my readers! Woohoo!