I Can’t Do This

So.

I’m 32 weeks on Monday. I also have an appointment on Monday.

I can’t go. I also can’t give birth at a hospital. I just…I don’t trust them enough. I’m too scared of being pushed over or violated and I feel like I can’t speak up because of my past history with mental health. I feel trapped and cornered and ridiculously unhappy. This is my first baby. And I’m having a princess. I should be over the moon and instead I’m just devastated and SO worried. I can’t relax. I think if I had had a better relationship with the providers that I’ve dealt with it would be better.

I’m making progress with my craft business and some (although a lot less than I’d like) with my Scentsy business. Maybe I can raise a part of the money between these two ventures and beg my family for the rest.

I don’t know what this revelation means for my marriage. I just know that I owe it to my daughter to take care of myself so that I can take care of her.

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