So Mr. G is gone. (I can’t remember if I made that clear in a previous post.) Uhm…it’s hard. Harder than I thought it would be. It’s been 4 years since we danced this dance. And it is a dance. Intricate and taxing, you have to be careful to not step on feelings and turn on a dime when a date is changed…leap over unexpected bills and heavy decisions and you better be graceful because you signed up for this.
The Mister’s car got some not so good news on it. It’s time to sell it and get another car. There is currently a heavy debate between used car and new. Choices, choices, choices. We’ll figure it out though. We figure everything out. The house situation is still not settled and it’s actually ending up in ways that are QUITE unexpected. We’ve got no one to blame but ourselves though so we’ll deal with it.
I wanted to be a writer. Go to NYU or Carnegie Mellon. Maybe UCLA for something. I wanted out of Virginia. I wanted to live life and just…find me. And I wanted to write. I’ve always loved writing, almost as much as I love talking. I’d thought about social work as well. But I wanted to go to where the action was. I wanted to be surrounded by people as creatively driven as I was/hope I still am. I was always the creative one in the family. My mom says I was her wild flower child. (In spite of being born in 1989.)
I didn’t do any of that though. My dad got sick and I felt like I needed to stay close. I also fell in love with Mr. G. I think if just one of those had happened I still would have left. But instead I used one to justify the other. It’s ok to stay for a guy because I need to be here for my dad anyway. And even though my mom stays things will be ok with my dad it’s not like I’d be throwing my life away if I stayed to be close to him because I’ve got this great guy. I’ll still have a personal life. Aside from the fact that our move further down South proved me right about my suspicions about my parents (she’s a workaholic and my daddy gets lonely, my brother is an asshole), I don’t think it worked like I’d planned it. Have no career and I haven’t really done anything meaningful with my life. I gambled and on days like today I feel like I lost.
Everyone has choices. And options. And all of mine are spinning around and around in my head. I can’t shut it up and I can’t pick a path. My fear of doing the wrong thing is my greatest enemy. And it’s just this giant ass loop of “omg how is this gonna go” and “holy fuck it’s been 6 months”. I’m just…I’m burned out by my thoughts. There’s just too many of them and it’s not like all of this obsessing is going to do anything to help me.
So my life is in a pretty sucky set up this birthday. Jobless, not in my own home and only about 90% sure I want to get back with my husband (the mid point of the 6 month separation is quickly approaching…where is the time going?!?!?!??!). I can’t go to the restaurant I’d planned to go to for my birthday and I don’t exactly have the loose cash to go get some champagne to go with my breakfast in the am. (Nor would I have a car now that I think about it my friend’s husband has to go to work because that’s what most employed people do on Wednesdays.) I had plans for this birthday. Goals, aspirations if you will and I’ve had to let those go. And I like shit to be the way I want it to be.
But it is okay. I’m practicing letting go which is something I’ve always needed work on, even before marriage. And working on learning to let go is something that will last me far longer than any brunch or champagne in bed. Something I’ve learned so far is that it’s ok to show weakness. It’s part of being human. I’m sad about things not being the way I wanted them to be and that’s ok. I can be sad about that and still enjoy what I’m doing. I can be sad about that and still be angry about it as well. I can feel multiple things at one time and it’s just what is.
So today I reflect on the past year and I’m not pleased. But I know what I can do to prevent the same things from happening so that I can have a happier 22nd year than I did a 21st. And I’ll be angry about some of the shit but I won’t hold on to it all day long. Last but definitely not least, there were good times too and I can have fun remembering those.
Cheers motherfuckers. 🙂