Anyone have any links to WordPress tutorials they really enjoyed and found helpful. Part of this whole drive to be a better person for my baby is trying to get employed or at the very least broaden my horizons. I know there’s money in blogging, but I also know that’s not a reason to be blogging because it’s not as easy as one would think AND it doesn’t happen as readily as one would think. But I do think I could use my blog to open myself up and expose myself to more possibilities. I don’t know what the future has in store for me. Retail, office work, crafting, work from home…but there’s something. I know just with being more mindful about my Twitter usage and clearing out some of the trash on my timeline, I’ve made contact with more inspirational people. More work at home moms, more natural mamas, just more people who are where I want to be. I’m old enough where I feel like I need to be surrounded with likeminded people. It’s been great and I’ve gotten some great insight and inspiration. I’d like my blog to do the same thing my Twitter has for me. I’d like to….I don’t just want to connect. I want to make BETTER connections. That’s what I’m looking for. So…if there’s any tutorials that you really enjoy I’d love some links. I’m wanting to get my contact information up on my blog so that people can get in touch with me easier.
I wanted to be a writer. Go to NYU or Carnegie Mellon. Maybe UCLA for something. I wanted out of Virginia. I wanted to live life and just…find me. And I wanted to write. I’ve always loved writing, almost as much as I love talking. I’d thought about social work as well. But I wanted to go to where the action was. I wanted to be surrounded by people as creatively driven as I was/hope I still am. I was always the creative one in the family. My mom says I was her wild flower child. (In spite of being born in 1989.)
I didn’t do any of that though. My dad got sick and I felt like I needed to stay close. I also fell in love with Mr. G. I think if just one of those had happened I still would have left. But instead I used one to justify the other. It’s ok to stay for a guy because I need to be here for my dad anyway. And even though my mom stays things will be ok with my dad it’s not like I’d be throwing my life away if I stayed to be close to him because I’ve got this great guy. I’ll still have a personal life. Aside from the fact that our move further down South proved me right about my suspicions about my parents (she’s a workaholic and my daddy gets lonely, my brother is an asshole), I don’t think it worked like I’d planned it. Have no career and I haven’t really done anything meaningful with my life. I gambled and on days like today I feel like I lost.
So we’ve been dealing with all of this stuff with M and getting custody of him. Mr. G’s command won’t give him leave unless he has a court hearing to attend so it’s been stressful but it’s been what it is. The past couple of times we went to see M/go to court, we were supposed to be driving Mr. G’s car but we can’t because the state of Minnesota keeps getting his orders and not realizing what they are. So they’ve chucked them. When you add up the express postage to and from MN TWICE we could have just paid full price for the damn tags already. Especially when you add up the rental fees from having to rent a car to get to M because my car can’t make the trip.
We’re also PCSing. Packout is June 20th. We’ve gotten some stuff to work on the yard but we still need to replace a door, handle the coat hanger in the drain sitch, and patch up some plaster from where the house has settled (it was buillt in the 1960s). That’s all prep that has to be done before we rent it out. There’s still cleaning and sorting that has to be done, including the scanning of all of our documents because we’ve lived together for 5 years and never had a real filing system. I mentioned my car earlier well I need to replace an O2 sensor in it and do something about the oil. We have to go get M June 6th and take him back July 10th. (We still need to contact the court about scheduling a hearing before Mr. G leaves to set up M’s care in the event that something happens with his grandfather.) There’s all of this money that has to come from somewhere. Even with our tax return (where we claimed neither of the children btw) and me getting school money we’re still in need of substantial funds to get all of this done. (Although we’ve gotten a LOT done. Stuff to get the yard under control, parts for Mr. G’s car, bills, loans paid on so on and so forth.) We just…between not planning as well as we could have and then this court thing dragging out way longer than we were told to expect it’s a hard row to hoe.
Oh and we’re still not pregnant. And I know I should NOT care about that right now but I do. A lot. And I feel like maybe I’m not ovulating because I’m fat or maybe there’s too much scar tissue due to the abortion and I missed my chance and I just suck. And it makes me sad. Like miserable. But that’s such a small issue that I feel like sharing it would make me a jerk.
I’m just drowning. And I’m by myself. No matter how much of a good friend I am or how much I help others people are always busy when I need help and that’s just life. I’ve got me and myself and that’s it. When shit hits the fan and it gets harder you’re the only person you can count on. So right now I’m drowning. And without heartfelt texts or emails from friends, without handouts or assistance I’m gonna swim to the shore, get out and shake off the water and then keep trucking. But right this second? I’m drowning.
So every time I feel gross or nauseous or overheat ridiculously easily, my husband or friends that know we’re trying for a baby will laugh and joke and tell me to take a pregnancy test. Some months I know it’s not a go but I inevitably get my hopes up and am horridly disappointed when I get my period.
It’s getting harder to joke.
So Mr. G and I have talked, crunched numbers, talked, cried and deliberated on the subject of having a child together.
We are currently not trying, but not preventing either. I’m so excited about it! Mr. G and I are constantly discussing it and people here in the area know about it. I’m not ashamed of our choice nor do I feel that it was hastily made.
But I still haven’t blogged about, in spite of my desire to be really open and honest with my readers.
I’ve been with Mr. G in some capacity since 2007. I’ve known him since 2005, but once I realized we were getting more serious I reached out to the online military significant other community. I was able to join a variety of sites and forums since I was 18 and I dove in headfirst. I was young, impulsive, and struggling with my depression and my anxiety. I burned some bridges and pissed some people off. If I could go back I might do something differently but I might not because I feel like I learned something about being a better person and a better friend. Due to the burned bridges I kind of ended up on the fringes of the community and I dabbled in and out.
Some of the things I’ve seen want me to keep anything regarding my future baby off the internet. People have questioned people’s pregnancies (when they hadn’t asked them for gifts of any kind), people have talked about children like DOGS because they thought their mother was horrible….just really mean spirited shit surrounding babies and incredibly small children. Children who haven’t done anything to anyone but be born and live. I know everyone doesn’t think every baby is cute…and that’s true. But there’s a difference between mentioning a baby might not be aesthetically pleasing and talking shit about them like they’re grown adults who stole your man in the club. I don’t want my baby tainted by that negative energy. I don’t my pregnancy tainted by that negative energy.
I could just post the photos on Facebook and very carefully select who has access to them. I could just text and email the pictures to a select few. But I’ve seen when there’s a whisper of intrigue in the air. It’s like someone opened a drum of chum and poured it into the middle of a school of sharks. It’s a witch hunt. Everyone is madly chattering back and forth “Who has so and so on facebook”, “I’ve got a cell phone number lemme see if it works”, “Do you follow them on Twitter? They’re always there let’s go check!!!”. It’s…it’s a little insane. I’m sitting here like I’m completely innocent. I used to get into it here and there. But it struck a chord with me when it started pulling in children who had never logged on and said a cross word to anyone. What can I say, I’ve got a soft spot for kids.
I might change my mind later you never really know. I’m constantly changing, growing and learning. Right now we’re not trying, not preventing (NTNP) and I’m not putting it on Twitter, Facebook or anywhere that’s easily traceable to me on the internet. (Maybe this doesn’t qualify but I feel safe here for now.)