I came home with all sorts of great expectations. I’m not gonna do this anymore and he’s not gonna do that anymore. Things will be different because we’ve worked to make them different.
That was unrealistic as fuck.
People grow and people change, but the foundation is still the same. There’s no changing the foundation without a psychotic break and that hasn’t happened on either side. I still have my triggers and he still has his. I’m fed the fuck up right now. Like I could walk away and not give a shit. I’ve loved hard and I’m a better person for the experience; give me my shirt and my hat and point me towards the exit.
I don’t even think there’s a right and a wrong in this situation. There’s talking without thinking and half ass listening. Maybe that’s who we are as people. Maybe marriage is just a load of bullshit. Maybe I’d feel vindicated if I punched him in the face. (Strike the maybe from that because I KNOW I’d feel better. But let’s be realistic it wouldn’t accomplish anything good.)
Change is a double sided sword. Sometimes you get really good things from it. You learn things about yourself…you realize you can do more than you ever dreamed. Big change can make you better than you ever hoped to be before. But it also make you see things that you didn’t quite notice before. Things that maybe you were too busy to notice or things you just didn’t want to notice. Like how sometimes love isn’t enough. Like how the trust hasn’t been there in a while. Like how much you really and truly dislike attributes of several of your friends. Like how you’ve been taken advantage of several times over. Like how there might just be some ways you suck hardcore. All the unsaid word.
I feel like anytime you change for the better, you can look around and realize things were more fucked than you thought.
There’s so many emotions in my body. Sometimes I can barely focus on the simplest of tasks because all the emotions are swirling and swirling and rushing around…it’s like they’re about to bubble up and burst through at any moment. And then they’ll stain the world and everyone will look and back away, deathly afraid of getting the stink and stain stuck on them.