It’s Harder to Joke About Now

So every time I feel gross or nauseous or overheat ridiculously easily, my husband or friends that know we’re trying for a baby will laugh and joke and tell me to take a pregnancy test. Some months I know it’s not a go but I inevitably get my hopes up and am horridly disappointed when I get my period.

It’s getting harder to joke.

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What I’m Doing and Why I Haven’t Told Anyone

So Mr. G and I have talked, crunched numbers, talked, cried and deliberated on the subject of having a child together.

We are currently not trying, but not preventing either. I’m so excited about it! Mr. G and I are constantly discussing it and people here in the area know about it. I’m not ashamed of our choice nor do I feel that it was hastily made.

 

But I still haven’t blogged about, in spite of my desire to be really open and honest with my readers.

 

I’ve been with Mr. G in some capacity since 2007. I’ve known him since 2005, but once I realized we were getting more serious I reached out to the online military significant other community. I was able to join a variety of sites and forums since I was 18 and I dove in headfirst. I was young, impulsive, and struggling with my depression and my anxiety. I burned some bridges and pissed some people off. If I could go back I might do something differently but I might not because I feel like I learned something about being a better person and a better friend. Due to the burned  bridges I kind of ended up on the fringes of the community and I dabbled in and out.

 

Some of the things I’ve seen want me to keep anything regarding my future baby off the internet. People have questioned people’s pregnancies (when they hadn’t asked them for gifts of any kind), people have talked about children like DOGS because they thought their mother was horrible….just really mean spirited shit surrounding babies and incredibly small children. Children who haven’t done anything to anyone but be born and live. I know everyone doesn’t think every baby is cute…and that’s true. But there’s a difference between mentioning a baby might not be aesthetically pleasing and talking shit about them like they’re grown adults who stole your man in the club. I don’t want my baby tainted by that negative energy. I don’t my pregnancy tainted by that negative energy.

 

I could just post the photos on Facebook and very carefully select who has access to them. I could just text and email the pictures to a select few. But I’ve seen when there’s a whisper of intrigue in the air. It’s like someone opened a drum of chum and poured it into the middle of a school of sharks. It’s a witch hunt. Everyone is madly chattering back and forth “Who has so and so on facebook”, “I’ve got a cell phone number lemme see if it works”, “Do you follow them on Twitter? They’re always there let’s go check!!!”. It’s…it’s a little insane. I’m sitting here like I’m completely innocent. I used to get into it here and there. But it struck a chord with me when it started pulling in children who had never logged on and said a cross word to anyone. What can I say, I’ve got a soft spot for kids.

 

I might change my mind later you never really know. I’m constantly changing, growing and learning. Right now we’re not trying, not preventing (NTNP) and I’m not putting it on Twitter, Facebook or anywhere that’s easily traceable to me on the internet. (Maybe this doesn’t qualify but I feel safe here for now.)

Things I’m Thankful For-Days 1-8

I started school on the 1st and it’s NaNoWriMo (duh ’cause it’s November), not to mention Mr. G’s car decided to cry bitchbaby AND my Jax bestie had breast reduction surgery and I’m over at her place holding her baby and helping her with things she can’t reach or lift.

I’ve been busy.

But I still want to do this meme if for no other reason than to follow through on SOMETHING (still working on that whole concept) along with having a record of things to be thankful when the entire world seems like shit.

1. My mother: She loves me unconditionally. I make mistakes like it’s my gotdamn job and still she welcomes me back with open arms. She continues to advise me as well as shelter my heart and nurture my spirit. She’s truly the wind beneath my wings.

2. Baking: There’s something loving and warm and motherly/wifely about baking. Simple simple ingredients. (Cheap ingredients too!) Baking is also very orderly. There’s a set way to do things. Enough flex to be creative but still very orderly. And when I’m having a horrible day and I feel stilted and lost and depressed I can be creative in the kitchen. I can have fun and still have a guideline to follow which gives me a real sense of order. It keeps me grounded.

3. Technology: No matter what time of day or where I am, I can reach out and be surrounded by my loved ones. I can look quickly and find the answer to most questions. I’m never truly alone, even when I think that’s what I want. And I’m never really lost either. That’s a wonderful thing.

4. Warm weather: I love the feel of the sun on my face combined with a nice soft breeze. I love being able to wiggle my toes in warm earth. I like to be able to take a nap in a patch of sunlight. There’s something peaceful about warm weather and I’m anemic so I’m always a bit on the chilly side.

5. Babies: They are the beginnings of humanity. The building blocks. The start of it all. They’re innocent, kind, loving and SO trusting. I feel hope for the world when I hold a baby and joy in my heart. It’s this magnificent feeling and it’s part of why I want to work with kids.

6. Pharmaceuticals: I believe there is something I’m missing. And one day I’ll find it and be able to work around it. Then I won’t hurt anymore and I won’t struggle with the day to day things that are so easy for most of my age group. Until then though, I’m thankful for the meds that allow me to get up and enjoy the life that I have.

7. The color black: It can be really chic or really comfy and it goes with everything. I’m low maintenance with clothing and it’s nice to know I can work a piece with almost anything else I have because it’s basic black. It suits most of my many moods and it makes me feel comfortable.

8. Comedy: I love to laugh. It’s hard to be frustrated at the stupidity of the world when there’s so much to laugh at. Laughter is a fantastic medicine.

Baby Snuggles

So I’m visiting with friends in CA right now. And they have three children. (I’m sure I’ve said this before but I’m not gonna assume that people are avidly reading everything I write.) The littlest is 7 months. Snuggling with him is better than any anti-depressant that I could possible go pick up at the pharmacy. Really and truly. My friend’s husband got home shortly before they moved and then I came to town like the day they moved into their house (I’m wrangling babies while they unpack stuff) so a couple of nights here and there the baby has been sleeping with me. I mean…come on. You’ve been on the boat forever and a day just to come back and have a baby in your bed? Nah. I gotta help my friends out. And so I offer and he occasionally sleeps with me. I mean of course they benefit from it because they get a stab at some couple time or just a chance to sleep. Deployments aren’t conducive to sleep and neither is raising three children on your own.

‘Truthfully though it’s for selfish reasons. Mr G and I will have been married for two years in August and we’ve been together for 3-4 years (we never officially dated we just kind of fell into a relationship) and we have no children of our own. Holding the baby, especially at night, just puts me in such a state. All of the arguing and the back and forth and the miscommunication, lack of communication just all of the pain and hurt doesn’t matter anymore. Because there is this baby. And he is soft and warm and he smells like milk, lavender and…..sweetness. I call the scent love. He’s snuggly. Round cheeks, chubby thighs and cute little dimpled hands that wrap themselves in my shirt or keep a visegrip on my finger. And for the next couple of hours until the sun rises he trusts me. He hunkers and trusts that he’ll be fed and warm with me. It’s nice not to just be needed but trusted as well.