It Will Break You

So we’ve had M for about a week now. He’s slowly learning what rules are and he’s having fun. However I have never resented my husband more in my life. I love him but I’m tired, overworked, stressed out, and angry. Patience is something I’ve long since given up on. Divorce has been mentioned numerous times and if we could afford it, paperwork would have likely been filed already.

 

There’s been so much money and time and effort that’s gone into this endeavor. And I don’t really regret any of it. It was necessary. When I married my husband I signed up for this. I agreed to love his children just as much as I love him, if not more. M needs us. His current situation is NOT a good one. He’s not in danger but he’s not thriving or growing emotionally like he should be. But so much has been poured into this situation and it could still be meaningless. It could all be for nothing. That’s depressing and defeating and it drains you. Fighting for custody is something that needs to be carefully considered because it can break you. No matter what you say it might not be good enough and that’s terrifying.

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When It Rains It Pours

So we heard from the lawyer regarding the case we’re involved in for M. Basically he’ll take our money but we’re beyond his help because Mr. G continue to choose to be in the Navy and refuses to fly up monthly to see M. (Because he can get leave whenever.)

The retainer has been exhausted and we feel incredibly defeated. We have to start over I suppose. Mr. G is currently exploring not reenlisting even though his reenlistment is scheduled for the 12th. Of April.

In addition to that, my friend whose mother passed away in the beginning of February, her father is having heart surgery and because of this lawyer insanity I can’t go help take care of her father like I promised her I would.

I’m scared and lost.

As If I Wasn’t Busy Enough

So. We have PCS. We have a reenlistment that hasn’t happened yet. We have orders that can’t be cut because of funding. We have a custody battle with a lazy lawyer who we’re not entirely sure is on our side.

Oh yeah I’m in school too. 😀

In spite of all of that I’m undertaking two creative projects. Honestly I might not follow through with them but for right now they’re something that I want to pursue and tell you about.

First off, I’m going to try to get back into my writing. I’ve got all of these ideas running around in my head and plenty of free time since Mr. G is getting ready to deploy. Also I’m getting a new laptop that isn’t missing a L key so who knows what will happen.

Secondly, I’m going to write a business plan. People have been talking about businesses, Shark Tank is back on and once again I’m reminded of a business idea that’s always sort of in the back of my head. Namely whenever I need the services of this business. So…might as well write up the business plan. Maybe I’ll learn something, maybe it’ll just make me hungry. Who knows?

We Could Lose It All

A quickly approaching deployment could throw off everything we’ve worked for with M. The money, the time, the lawyers, the pain…we could have to start from scratch because Mr. G has to leave to do his job.

We’re down but we’re not out yet. We’ve pulled together an emergency plan and we’re going to put it into action. Even if these sets us back we won’t stop fighting for him to be home where he belongs.

Why Do I Care? Because I Care.

So the custody thing is doing what it’s doing. We’re basically in a holding pattern. We talk to him and he’s scheduled to come stay with us this summer.

So why do I care about what M’s mother does? Especially when it repeatedly breaks my heart?

I think part of me is scared. Worried that she’ll figure out some loophole that convinces the state to place him back in her care. I know she loves him but she doesn’t do what’s best for him and that’s just the facts of the matter. Anyway I was tooling around the internet and I realized that she is selling many things from her home. (She doesn’t get child support anymore so I imagine she’s hurting since she lived off of that.) Anyway to my point: people have given M gifts over the years and she’s claimed that someone stole them or he broke them because he’s schizophrenic and out of control (not diagnosed as such even though she’s been pushing for it for years) or that he damaged them somehow. Some of these things are the things that she’s selling. These are toys and pieces of clothing he’s asked about and she’s told him they got stolen or things other people asked about because they wanted to know if he enjoyed them and she lied and said they were broken.

At this point, unless she comes into a money tree or wins the lotto what she does is immaterial. But I still care about what she does because I care about M. People who love him wanted to share pieces of themselves with him and she prevented that and for what? Because they said someting she didn’t like? (That’s why M doesn’t have Mr. G’s last name by the way.) Because she wanted some money for smokes? I feel like she’s played fast and loose with his childhood and as wrong as I know it is for me to hate someone…I hate her for it. There’s over 6.5 billion people in the world she couldn’t find a man to love her who would love her child as well? She’s the person who is supposed to love him the most because she knew him first. And she’s selling his memories.

I hate that this bothers me so because there’s nothing I can do about it. And I hate that I can’t shake off this compulsion to look and see what new fuckery she’s committed now. And I hate that even now at his age he asks why his mommy won’t take care of him. Excuse me used to ask, he’s stopped asking now.