I suck at making and keeping friends. I’m moody, I communicate poorly, and I’m terminally late. That’s my life. It is what it is. I’m 22 and while I can change some things, (I’ve been really working on time management), some things are just what they are. I will always be moody unless I’m on pills and I have yet to find a pill that doesn’t make me a robot. So some of my personality defects that make me this awful horrible person that no one can seem to find it within themselves to like for any decent length of time or love completely will never go away. I will always be screwed up. That’s just what it is.
That being said it’s really bothering me more today than usual. Maybe it’s because things are stressful with Mr. G and I could really use some friends that just listen and say the right thing. Or do the right thing. I like to get out but I like to stay in too. I’m not a giant party animal and I’m poor to boot. I just…I want to be understood. And I want people who claim to want to make connections to actually follow through. I’m tired of fake people and just…I’m tired. Of everything.
So the custody thing is doing what it’s doing. We’re basically in a holding pattern. We talk to him and he’s scheduled to come stay with us this summer.
So why do I care about what M’s mother does? Especially when it repeatedly breaks my heart?
I think part of me is scared. Worried that she’ll figure out some loophole that convinces the state to place him back in her care. I know she loves him but she doesn’t do what’s best for him and that’s just the facts of the matter. Anyway I was tooling around the internet and I realized that she is selling many things from her home. (She doesn’t get child support anymore so I imagine she’s hurting since she lived off of that.) Anyway to my point: people have given M gifts over the years and she’s claimed that someone stole them or he broke them because he’s schizophrenic and out of control (not diagnosed as such even though she’s been pushing for it for years) or that he damaged them somehow. Some of these things are the things that she’s selling. These are toys and pieces of clothing he’s asked about and she’s told him they got stolen or things other people asked about because they wanted to know if he enjoyed them and she lied and said they were broken.
At this point, unless she comes into a money tree or wins the lotto what she does is immaterial. But I still care about what she does because I care about M. People who love him wanted to share pieces of themselves with him and she prevented that and for what? Because they said someting she didn’t like? (That’s why M doesn’t have Mr. G’s last name by the way.) Because she wanted some money for smokes? I feel like she’s played fast and loose with his childhood and as wrong as I know it is for me to hate someone…I hate her for it. There’s over 6.5 billion people in the world she couldn’t find a man to love her who would love her child as well? She’s the person who is supposed to love him the most because she knew him first. And she’s selling his memories.
I hate that this bothers me so because there’s nothing I can do about it. And I hate that I can’t shake off this compulsion to look and see what new fuckery she’s committed now. And I hate that even now at his age he asks why his mommy won’t take care of him. Excuse me used to ask, he’s stopped asking now.
Fear stops me from doing a lot of things. But with the Solstice and then the New Year I feel this urge to do something different. Not necessarily to be better but to switch the game up. There’s a variety of things I’ve always wanted to do that I’ve let fear hold me back from. And I don’t want to live half a life anymore. I don’t want to constantly second guess myself or think about things I should have done…I just want to do things. I want to live life authentically.
I can make no promises as to how pretty this will end up but I hope you enjoy reading about it. I’m going to do a series of blog posts called Moving Towards Change and they’ll touch on the things I’m trying to tweak. I don’t know how this is different from my wish list, or how this isn’t a 2012 Resolutions Post, or which post (my wish list or the MTC series) has more likelihood of actually coming to fruition….I just know all those things are true. Take my word on this.
First thing up: My crafting business. Not only actually getting it going but resisting the urge to give everything out for free. Fingers crossed I don’t lose friends over it. I feel like for what I’d charge the quality is there but I have to continue to find the motivation to actually make stock, stop being such a chickenshit and put myself out there AND limit the number of gifts I give out. I have a lot of anxiety about making people upset with me but the good thing is a lot of my friends have their own hobby businesses and they actually manufacturer things that I want. They’re reasonable people who I think would be open to trades but I’ll never know if I don’t ask now will I? Also, touching on the motivation point, I have to make it a priority. My other responsibilities will suck all of the time out of my life if I let them. And since it’s MY time….why don’t’ I just take it back?
So today I took an epic walk because I’m silly and got turned the hell around. I took this walk with a new friend and we talked a lot about just everything. It was weird opening up to someone I barely know but it was also refreshing because I got the really upfront discussion that I had been craving a few posts back. Everything wasn’t comfortable but it was things that I’d been thinking and was interested in hearing feedback on. I feel good about going home right now. That might change between now and the 27th but I’m going home regardless so….yeah.
Right now I feel great.
There’s so many emotions in my body. Sometimes I can barely focus on the simplest of tasks because all the emotions are swirling and swirling and rushing around…it’s like they’re about to bubble up and burst through at any moment. And then they’ll stain the world and everyone will look and back away, deathly afraid of getting the stink and stain stuck on them.