Lately I’ve been thinking of the internet. Specifically forums and people on them and how time changes things. There are people I don’t talk to anymore that I swore would be with me the rest of my life. Then there are the people that I connect with now that I’m amazed I have anything in common with.
A few days ago, happyhippyrose blogged here about finding a liar in a forum environment and not having the reveal of her search end up the way she’d anticipated. (It was part of this interesting daily blogging challenge she’s doing. If I were capable of consistency I would do it.) I also talked for a little bit with Rain (www.wtfrain.com) about forums (and life in general but that’s not relevant to this post). And I saw a commonality that’s both interesting and sad.
Sometimes you outgrow something before you realize it and sometimes people change right under your nose. It’s…..it’s deeply unsettling to think that people you have exposed your fears, dreams, and secrets to don’t really know you. You’ve given them all this insight to you and they still don’t know you. And they don’t stop to ask the question they just judge and keep moving, plowing over your feelings, your spirits and your pride. Then you reach a point where you wonder why you do it/put up with it and you don’t have an answer and so you stop.
In the blink of an eye, you’ve grown and no matter how hard you look you can’t find the time or a trace of where it’s gotten off to. I’ve been on the internet socializing with people for years. At first making a connection was easy. There were forums and chat rooms everywhere. At some point things changed. People lied about cancer, talked shit about children who hadn’t done anything and called people’s jobs and landlords. The magic died. It’s kind of like when you find out how a favorite food item from a restaurant chain is made and you realize you’ve had the ability to make it for yourself all along. I’ve grown up a bit without noticing. It just… snuck up on me.
So Mr. G and I have talked, crunched numbers, talked, cried and deliberated on the subject of having a child together.
We are currently not trying, but not preventing either. I’m so excited about it! Mr. G and I are constantly discussing it and people here in the area know about it. I’m not ashamed of our choice nor do I feel that it was hastily made.
But I still haven’t blogged about, in spite of my desire to be really open and honest with my readers.
I’ve been with Mr. G in some capacity since 2007. I’ve known him since 2005, but once I realized we were getting more serious I reached out to the online military significant other community. I was able to join a variety of sites and forums since I was 18 and I dove in headfirst. I was young, impulsive, and struggling with my depression and my anxiety. I burned some bridges and pissed some people off. If I could go back I might do something differently but I might not because I feel like I learned something about being a better person and a better friend. Due to the burned bridges I kind of ended up on the fringes of the community and I dabbled in and out.
Some of the things I’ve seen want me to keep anything regarding my future baby off the internet. People have questioned people’s pregnancies (when they hadn’t asked them for gifts of any kind), people have talked about children like DOGS because they thought their mother was horrible….just really mean spirited shit surrounding babies and incredibly small children. Children who haven’t done anything to anyone but be born and live. I know everyone doesn’t think every baby is cute…and that’s true. But there’s a difference between mentioning a baby might not be aesthetically pleasing and talking shit about them like they’re grown adults who stole your man in the club. I don’t want my baby tainted by that negative energy. I don’t my pregnancy tainted by that negative energy.
I could just post the photos on Facebook and very carefully select who has access to them. I could just text and email the pictures to a select few. But I’ve seen when there’s a whisper of intrigue in the air. It’s like someone opened a drum of chum and poured it into the middle of a school of sharks. It’s a witch hunt. Everyone is madly chattering back and forth “Who has so and so on facebook”, “I’ve got a cell phone number lemme see if it works”, “Do you follow them on Twitter? They’re always there let’s go check!!!”. It’s…it’s a little insane. I’m sitting here like I’m completely innocent. I used to get into it here and there. But it struck a chord with me when it started pulling in children who had never logged on and said a cross word to anyone. What can I say, I’ve got a soft spot for kids.
I might change my mind later you never really know. I’m constantly changing, growing and learning. Right now we’re not trying, not preventing (NTNP) and I’m not putting it on Twitter, Facebook or anywhere that’s easily traceable to me on the internet. (Maybe this doesn’t qualify but I feel safe here for now.)