Look How We’ve Grown…

Lately I’ve been thinking of the internet. Specifically forums and people on them and how time changes things. There are people I don’t talk to anymore that I swore would be with me the rest of my life. Then there are the people that I connect with now that I’m amazed I have anything in common with.

A few days ago, happyhippyrose blogged here about finding a liar in a forum environment and not having the reveal of her search end up the way she’d anticipated. (It was part of this interesting daily blogging challenge she’s doing. If I were capable of consistency I would do it.) I also talked for a little bit with Rain (www.wtfrain.com) about forums (and life in general but that’s not relevant to this post). And I saw a commonality that’s both interesting and sad.

Sometimes you outgrow something before you realize it and sometimes people change right under your nose. It’s…..it’s deeply unsettling to think that people you have exposed your fears, dreams, and secrets to don’t really know you. You’ve given them all this insight to you and they still don’t know you. And they don’t stop to ask the question they just judge and keep moving, plowing over your feelings, your spirits and your pride. Then you reach a point where you wonder why you do it/put up with it and you don’t have an answer and so you stop.

In the blink of an eye, you’ve grown and no matter how hard you look you can’t find the time or a trace of where it’s gotten off to. I’ve been on the internet socializing with people for years. At first making a connection was easy. There were forums and chat rooms everywhere. At some point things changed. People lied about cancer, talked shit about children who hadn’t done anything and called people’s jobs and landlords. The magic died. It’s kind of like when you find out how a favorite food item from a restaurant chain is made and you realize you’ve had the ability to make it for yourself all along. I’ve grown up a bit without noticing. It just… snuck up on me.

 

 

Change: Both Good and Bad

Change is a double sided sword. Sometimes you get really good things from it. You learn things about yourself…you realize you can do more than you ever dreamed. Big change can make you better than you ever hoped to be before. But it also make you see things that you didn’t quite notice before. Things that maybe you were too busy to notice or things you just didn’t want to notice. Like how sometimes love isn’t enough. Like how the trust hasn’t been there in a while. Like how much you really and truly dislike attributes of several of your friends. Like how you’ve been taken advantage of several times over. Like how there might just be some ways you suck hardcore. All the unsaid word.

I feel like anytime you change for the better, you can look around and realize things were more fucked than you thought.

Swirls

There’s so many emotions in my body. Sometimes I can barely focus on the simplest of tasks because all the emotions are swirling and swirling and rushing around…it’s like they’re about to bubble up and burst through at any moment. And then they’ll stain the world and everyone will look and back away, deathly afraid of getting the stink and stain stuck on them.

 

Somedays…

I just want to be left the fuck alone. Not because I don’t want to talk about all the various things running through my head but because no one actually answers the questions I have. And I could get into how that means I’m not communicating effectively or how I should answer my own damn questions but honestly….even as I start to find the answers to my life questions on my own and work at communicating better….I still want to be left alone. Even as it gets better I just want to be left alone. Being nice when people are being stupid, petty, mean or just flat out annoying is hard and I’m ever so slightly over it.