So for the longest time I’ve been on the internet involved in a variety of forums. I’ve “met” a lot of different people from different walks of life. Overall I think it’s helped me to grow so I wouldn’t go back, but I would learn some life lessons earlier. I’ve said some mean and hurtful things to people and participated in actions that I wasn’t raised to entertain. As wacky as they are, my parents raised me right. You can’t unring bells that have been rang though and so where there were opportunities to make amends I’ve tried to do that and in places where there weren’t I just left things alone. Seems simple. If someone isn’t open to an apology or to hear your side or to receive the fact that you’ve had a change of heart or thought; it is what it is. I think it causes more harm to approach something with something they’re not in the frame of mind to hear. I’ve been there and you end up feeling attacked by this person who hurt you in the first place.
Anyway I’ve been off of forums for the most part for quite some time. I talk to some of these people here and there on FB and Twitter but it’s in a casual manner. They’re not really in my inner circle and I’m not in theirs and we all know it. There’s subtweeting at times and I’m sure both sides see shit they just can’t stand that bring up feelings related to why we’re not closer but we don’t hash it out or just cut ties. We just sit on our individual side and be annoyed. It normally doesn’t really bother me. I accept it as part of how I (weirdly) interact with people.
Being pregnant with MochaBean made me think about it differently.
When I first found out and we got to the point we wanted to share with people, I made a special list on Facebook. And I excluded that list. One of the things I had participated in (not actively but passively by watching it and not speaking up about how wrong it was) was women getting to the point where they hated someone so much that it was perfectly ok to speak disrespectfully about their children. Call them ugly or slow or any manner of things. I KNEW that was wrong and still I stayed. And now I was faced with some of these people having reason not to like me (not reason enough for us to cut ties mind you just enough to talk about me) and me potentially providing them with something REALLY juicy. So I didn’t reveal it to everyone. Didn’t post pictures, didn’t mention it on Twitter and like I said I excluded that list as well as people who might feel pressured to give information to those on the list in order to remain friends with some on that list. And it felt wrong. I struggled with this because I felt like I was protecting my baby from harm and how could that possibly be wrong? Then people starting congratulating me and saying the sweetest things and I saw that my baby was surrounded by SO much light and love. How could the hurtful, untrue things or the ill wished of a unhappy miserable disgruntled few ever stand up against all of the positive energy surrounding my baby? How could I hide my baby like they were something to be ashamed of when they’re the greatest thing to ever be a part of my existence? So I went to Twitter with it. And I got rid of the list and started talking openly about it.
I know it’s very likely being discussed. I know if I post pictures (I have to scan them in to blank out my personal information before I put them on the internet but I’m not entirely sure where my printer is) they would likely get lifted and picked apart (is she really pregnant or just fat? her kid looks weird and it’s not even here yet, blah blah blah). While I care I kinda don’t. My baby is going to be this amazing person who’s going to do something amazing.
I should really get off the fence about some of these people though. I feel like I might be hurting people who have actually been decent to me.
I think I might have lost a friend because of another friend I’m associated with. That BUGS me. Deeply. Because I valued the lost friend’s friendship. I didn’t work at it as hard as I could have. I went with the easier choice. The more “fun” choice. The choice that was “exciting”. And that hasn’t gotten me very far. Friend B is nice and kind and fun but friend B….I can’t count on Friend B if it’s inconvenient for them. That’s just what it is. That’s Friend B’s personality type. I have to start making the friends that I want to have long term, that are important to me and that will stick by me long term. The friends that are MORE than just a good time. Sometimes I feel like I’m still in high school wanting to be friends with the popular people and missing the true gems in the process. It’s been 5 years since I graduated high school I think it’s time for me to move on from that.
Lately I’ve been thinking of the internet. Specifically forums and people on them and how time changes things. There are people I don’t talk to anymore that I swore would be with me the rest of my life. Then there are the people that I connect with now that I’m amazed I have anything in common with.
A few days ago, happyhippyrose blogged here about finding a liar in a forum environment and not having the reveal of her search end up the way she’d anticipated. (It was part of this interesting daily blogging challenge she’s doing. If I were capable of consistency I would do it.) I also talked for a little bit with Rain (www.wtfrain.com) about forums (and life in general but that’s not relevant to this post). And I saw a commonality that’s both interesting and sad.
Sometimes you outgrow something before you realize it and sometimes people change right under your nose. It’s…..it’s deeply unsettling to think that people you have exposed your fears, dreams, and secrets to don’t really know you. You’ve given them all this insight to you and they still don’t know you. And they don’t stop to ask the question they just judge and keep moving, plowing over your feelings, your spirits and your pride. Then you reach a point where you wonder why you do it/put up with it and you don’t have an answer and so you stop.
In the blink of an eye, you’ve grown and no matter how hard you look you can’t find the time or a trace of where it’s gotten off to. I’ve been on the internet socializing with people for years. At first making a connection was easy. There were forums and chat rooms everywhere. At some point things changed. People lied about cancer, talked shit about children who hadn’t done anything and called people’s jobs and landlords. The magic died. It’s kind of like when you find out how a favorite food item from a restaurant chain is made and you realize you’ve had the ability to make it for yourself all along. I’ve grown up a bit without noticing. It just… snuck up on me.
So we heard from the lawyer regarding the case we’re involved in for M. Basically he’ll take our money but we’re beyond his help because Mr. G continue to choose to be in the Navy and refuses to fly up monthly to see M. (Because he can get leave whenever.)
The retainer has been exhausted and we feel incredibly defeated. We have to start over I suppose. Mr. G is currently exploring not reenlisting even though his reenlistment is scheduled for the 12th. Of April.
In addition to that, my friend whose mother passed away in the beginning of February, her father is having heart surgery and because of this lawyer insanity I can’t go help take care of her father like I promised her I would.
I’m scared and lost.
I suck at making and keeping friends. I’m moody, I communicate poorly, and I’m terminally late. That’s my life. It is what it is. I’m 22 and while I can change some things, (I’ve been really working on time management), some things are just what they are. I will always be moody unless I’m on pills and I have yet to find a pill that doesn’t make me a robot. So some of my personality defects that make me this awful horrible person that no one can seem to find it within themselves to like for any decent length of time or love completely will never go away. I will always be screwed up. That’s just what it is.
That being said it’s really bothering me more today than usual. Maybe it’s because things are stressful with Mr. G and I could really use some friends that just listen and say the right thing. Or do the right thing. I like to get out but I like to stay in too. I’m not a giant party animal and I’m poor to boot. I just…I want to be understood. And I want people who claim to want to make connections to actually follow through. I’m tired of fake people and just…I’m tired. Of everything.
So I have this friend. And we’re extremely close, like sisters. We do NOT see eye to eye all the time and we struggle with each other sometimes but we love each other and when it matters we’re there for each other.
Her momma died today.
I never know what to say at times like these. I’m awkward and worried about saying the wrong thing or hurting already bruised feelings. She was kind to me when Mr. G and I were separated (my friend’s mother). And her and my friend were straight but compassionate with me. They didn’t really sugarcoat but they didn’t bash me either. She’s been sick for so long but she carried herself with SUCH grace. She was a remarkable woman who still enjoyed her life in spite of being sick. She didn’t let it make her bitter. I’m excited about meeting my friend’s family but I’m devastated it’s under these circumstances.
I’m not really religious. At all. Y’all know that. But pray for my friend and her family anyway please. She’s heartbroken and I can’t help.
Fear stops me from doing a lot of things. But with the Solstice and then the New Year I feel this urge to do something different. Not necessarily to be better but to switch the game up. There’s a variety of things I’ve always wanted to do that I’ve let fear hold me back from. And I don’t want to live half a life anymore. I don’t want to constantly second guess myself or think about things I should have done…I just want to do things. I want to live life authentically.
I can make no promises as to how pretty this will end up but I hope you enjoy reading about it. I’m going to do a series of blog posts called Moving Towards Change and they’ll touch on the things I’m trying to tweak. I don’t know how this is different from my wish list, or how this isn’t a 2012 Resolutions Post, or which post (my wish list or the MTC series) has more likelihood of actually coming to fruition….I just know all those things are true. Take my word on this.
First thing up: My crafting business. Not only actually getting it going but resisting the urge to give everything out for free. Fingers crossed I don’t lose friends over it. I feel like for what I’d charge the quality is there but I have to continue to find the motivation to actually make stock, stop being such a chickenshit and put myself out there AND limit the number of gifts I give out. I have a lot of anxiety about making people upset with me but the good thing is a lot of my friends have their own hobby businesses and they actually manufacturer things that I want. They’re reasonable people who I think would be open to trades but I’ll never know if I don’t ask now will I? Also, touching on the motivation point, I have to make it a priority. My other responsibilities will suck all of the time out of my life if I let them. And since it’s MY time….why don’t’ I just take it back?