So for the longest time I’ve been on the internet involved in a variety of forums. I’ve “met” a lot of different people from different walks of life. Overall I think it’s helped me to grow so I wouldn’t go back, but I would learn some life lessons earlier. I’ve said some mean and hurtful things to people and participated in actions that I wasn’t raised to entertain. As wacky as they are, my parents raised me right. You can’t unring bells that have been rang though and so where there were opportunities to make amends I’ve tried to do that and in places where there weren’t I just left things alone. Seems simple. If someone isn’t open to an apology or to hear your side or to receive the fact that you’ve had a change of heart or thought; it is what it is. I think it causes more harm to approach something with something they’re not in the frame of mind to hear. I’ve been there and you end up feeling attacked by this person who hurt you in the first place.
Anyway I’ve been off of forums for the most part for quite some time. I talk to some of these people here and there on FB and Twitter but it’s in a casual manner. They’re not really in my inner circle and I’m not in theirs and we all know it. There’s subtweeting at times and I’m sure both sides see shit they just can’t stand that bring up feelings related to why we’re not closer but we don’t hash it out or just cut ties. We just sit on our individual side and be annoyed. It normally doesn’t really bother me. I accept it as part of how I (weirdly) interact with people.
Being pregnant with MochaBean made me think about it differently.
When I first found out and we got to the point we wanted to share with people, I made a special list on Facebook. And I excluded that list. One of the things I had participated in (not actively but passively by watching it and not speaking up about how wrong it was) was women getting to the point where they hated someone so much that it was perfectly ok to speak disrespectfully about their children. Call them ugly or slow or any manner of things. I KNEW that was wrong and still I stayed. And now I was faced with some of these people having reason not to like me (not reason enough for us to cut ties mind you just enough to talk about me) and me potentially providing them with something REALLY juicy. So I didn’t reveal it to everyone. Didn’t post pictures, didn’t mention it on Twitter and like I said I excluded that list as well as people who might feel pressured to give information to those on the list in order to remain friends with some on that list. And it felt wrong. I struggled with this because I felt like I was protecting my baby from harm and how could that possibly be wrong? Then people starting congratulating me and saying the sweetest things and I saw that my baby was surrounded by SO much light and love. How could the hurtful, untrue things or the ill wished of a unhappy miserable disgruntled few ever stand up against all of the positive energy surrounding my baby? How could I hide my baby like they were something to be ashamed of when they’re the greatest thing to ever be a part of my existence? So I went to Twitter with it. And I got rid of the list and started talking openly about it.
I know it’s very likely being discussed. I know if I post pictures (I have to scan them in to blank out my personal information before I put them on the internet but I’m not entirely sure where my printer is) they would likely get lifted and picked apart (is she really pregnant or just fat? her kid looks weird and it’s not even here yet, blah blah blah). While I care I kinda don’t. My baby is going to be this amazing person who’s going to do something amazing.
I should really get off the fence about some of these people though. I feel like I might be hurting people who have actually been decent to me.