Sometimes it’s hard to mesh the demands of working with the desires of homemaking. I know it’s so old-fashioned and it doesn’t seem like me at all but I really enjoy it. I like that I made the bread that we eat, and that most of our meals are from scratch. I love that I can impact my family’s day with small simple touches.
At the same time I like nice things. Really nice things. And I like having my own money. Its nice to have a sense of I have this to spend and I don’t like to struggle. I enjoy when things are easy.
Those two ideas don’t mesh well together. I have this idea for my life. Its this beautiful quilt that has all this intricate stitching….those are the people and interactions that I encounter. Then you have the fabric. Its rich and varied but it all flows together. Lately that’s not the case though. My edges are all puckered. I could cut back in places. That’s a totally valid solution to the internal conflict I feel. But at the end of the day I want it all. I want to make all of this craziness work.
I’m exhausted, I haven’t made my husband lunch in about 4 days, most of my clothes have holes in them but that doesn’t matter since most of them are dirty and I have no energy. But I have a job watching an adorable baby, we’ve made a debt in our debt so I’m working towards getting new clothes and my job is incredibly low stress. Things are on an upswing. Time management skills are definitely coming into play and getting improved.
I don’t think I’ll ever really resolve the struggle but I think I’ll be happy with the act of trying. Let me go work on this paper and get a loaf of bread started.