So Mr. G left this week. They came home earlier than expected in December with the knowledge they were going to have to go back out about a month before they were originally scheduled to be home. So. That happened. And he was told he’d be able to stay back and be here for the birth and then the big boys over his boss’s head told him no. So he left with everyone else this week.
I think he took it harder than I did. I think part of me was waiting for it to fall through the entire time somewhere in the back of my mind. Don’t get me wrong I planned like he was gonna stay but I wasn’t surprised when they said no either. It is what it is ya know? This is what our life is.
I have been diagnosed with mental illness in the past. I’m a stepmother. I’m a student looking to work in the professional world. Every single time I go online I have to think about before posting. Why? Because it’s the Internet. These words are here forever and no matter what someone could find a post and have an issue with it.
So I’m in the 34th week right now. It’s third trimester, it’s the end of the whole ordeal, it’s the home stretch. I went and toured the OB floor today with my mom and my husband. My birth plan needs some tweaking as far as wording goes but it’s done. The diaper bag came in the mail today. Shit’s really really. I’m heavy and full and ready to meet her. Of course I want her to come when she’s ready but I’m impatient.
So the creator of Girls went on this tangent about how Rihanna is breaking her heart by getting back with Chris Brown (allegedly but I don’t think they confirmed that shit).
I haven’t seen Girls. I’ll put that out there in case in matters.
Look. Seriously. Look. This is a PUBLIC figure. No one public figure’s hold over your child should be any tighter on your child than your own. Or someone close to you that you approve of who might have more in common with your kid. Honestly though, someone you’ve never met and will probably never meet should not hold that much influence over your kid.
Y’all remember Jenelle from Teen Mom 2 wailing and lamenting about Ke$ha? No?
Don’t let that be your fucking kid dude! Don’t. Do. It.
So. Yeah. That’s how I feel. This is all sorts of fucked up and not for me and I’m not sure what I’ve gotten myself into. I dunno. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed. That’s probably a large part of it.
So yesterday I met with a potential doula. It didn’t go as I expected it to go. I’m not sure why I’m surprised because nothing rarely even does go the way I intend.
One of the reasons we went with her is that her husband is involved in her practice and I thought that would be great for Mr. G. She was kinda…I dunno what the word is. Aggressive, gimmicky, pushy? …Maybe I DO know what the word is. She’s passionate and that’s a great thing she just came on really strong. And I have an idea of what I want so being pushed to do things I’m not comfortable with because “well if you’re going to do this you might as well go all the way” doesn’t really work for me. Not to mention, don’t tell me you know what I want because we’re in some of the same groups on Facebook. That’s such a weird assumption to make ya know?
So we have another interview later this week. Only issue is the first we interviewed is definitely the better value. Although given where she lives maybe not. What she offers for her fee though is extensive BUT it likely comes with more than I want to deal with if our meeting last night is any indication. Like I don’t want all of these special products I just want to have a baby. That’s it.
Another thing I’m realizing is that the birthing community here is smaller than I thought so..have to be super careful of what I say to whom. Eep.
I’m 32 weeks on Monday. I also have an appointment on Monday.
I can’t go. I also can’t give birth at a hospital. I just…I don’t trust them enough. I’m too scared of being pushed over or violated and I feel like I can’t speak up because of my past history with mental health. I feel trapped and cornered and ridiculously unhappy. This is my first baby. And I’m having a princess. I should be over the moon and instead I’m just devastated and SO worried. I can’t relax. I think if I had had a better relationship with the providers that I’ve dealt with it would be better.
I’m making progress with my craft business and some (although a lot less than I’d like) with my Scentsy business. Maybe I can raise a part of the money between these two ventures and beg my family for the rest.
I don’t know what this revelation means for my marriage. I just know that I owe it to my daughter to take care of myself so that I can take care of her.